My mind seemed to be blank
Look straight ahead
Blinker
Switch lanes
Blinker
Slow down
Right turn
Going through the motions
Memorized
Is everything okay?
Suddenly
Bulldozed from behind
Ear popping crash
Involuntarily thrusted into a pole
Air bags go off
Punch me in the face
Disorienting me
I cannot grasp where my body is
What do I do now?
Dazed
I climb from my dismantled machine
No shoes
Shattered parts on the sidewalk
People staring
Looking as confused as I am
They ask questions my mind cannot register yet
What happened?
Are you okay?
Who can you call?
If only they knew me before the commotion
Months following, I still could not answer
Hypothetical questions
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ReplyDeleteVery nicely written poem. I loved how it seems that you wrote it from a very personal experience so the words come off very intense because it is relatable. When reading I felt I was in the car with you.
ReplyDeleteWell put together.
While this certainly tells a narrative of disorientation and commotion, the flow and structure does not necessarily follow the same sort of chaotic, crazed rush. It is strange that the first stanza, the one in which everything is supposedly okay, is the one with the shortest lines. One would think that being taken by surprise would condense thought into small, frantic words and lines, yet everything after the crash is much longer and more wordy. It's an interesting choice, but not one I think complements the poem's overall theme. Perhaps try shortening the lines in the two larger stanzas if you ever wish to do revisions.
ReplyDeleteWhat an interesting idea, to describe the experience of a car crash in a realist manner. I think this poem could benefit from a title, perhaps one that could give a little insight into the speaker's mind frame; she seems to be going through some sort of emotional turmoil even before the crash, from the last line of the first stanza as well as the reference to who she was before the commotion.
ReplyDeleteThis poem is effective in communicating the sequence of events as they happen: the crash, the airbags, being thrown forward, emerging from the vehicle etc. I think your language could be a bit more precise and do more showing over telling. For example, instead of "Air bags go off", something like "air bags burst open like popcorn." Instead of "no shoes" something like "bare feet on rough blacktop".
Overall, fascinating idea. I like the structure of the poem as well as the lineation. They manage to convey a sense of disorientation as well as detachment following a car accident.